No. 004: To The Girl
Vincent van Gogh's Almond Blossom (1890)
"…all that remains now is the forgiveness you owe yourself."
It's been one week. One month. Three months. Nine months. It's over and you're out. You're not going back—scratch that, you're NEVER going back. The days of waking up in purgatory are gone... and all that remains now is the forgiveness you owe yourself.
You couldn't have known, girl. You've always had it figured out, you know. From the time you were three years old, you've always had a plan; a solution. You've always found a way to make the world the world you wanted it to be. You couldn't have known that one of the biggest leaps of faith you would ever take would have ended up the way it did. You couldn't have known the depth of the confusion, followed by the pain, followed by the anger, followed by the emptiness and apathy. The emptiness and apathy were the worst part—you couldn't have known that.
Humans aren't meant to stop feeling, you know? When they're forced to stop feeling, they seek out feeling where they can find it. You couldn't have known you would be reduced to the life you were. That you would truly believe that the life meant for you was like eating a beautiful dinner off a trash can lid. That in your mind, these were the cards that were dealt and you should be grateful for all you had—you just weren't meant for that one thing you'd spend so long dreaming of.
There's that heat in your stomach and chest. That guilt. That regret. It churns so hot and hard some days that even the thought of food turns your stomach. The mornings are the hardest and you spend the early evenings afraid of the scenery they'll bring to your brain when you wake up.
You'd tell a friend "you can't beat yourself up for not having the information you have right now, girl, that's not how life works." For some reason, you can't tell yourself that. You're different. You're supposed to be the one who lifts everyone up and shows them the way. You're supposed to be the good woman, the good mom, good daughter, the good friend, the good employee, the good sister, the good girl. You couldn't have known that you'd be so resentful you did all the "good" things to end up in the worst place. Breathe again. In for four, hold for two, out for six.
You couldn't have known those girls you met late in life would "save you". They would reach their hands deep into your chest and they'd get your heart beating again. They'd hold your face in their hands and you'd feel the warmth and color come back. They'd make you laugh and see yourself in a way you hadn't in many years, if ever. They'd look into your eyes with love, affection, understanding and grace.
You'd feel that chill that had surrounded you start to ease... and you'd find yourself craving their company, voices, scents, laughs. You couldn't have known, girl, that this was a love you didn't know you needed. Heed that love, girl, and start to love yourself again; the way you love them. The way they love you. Don't walk another step in life without them.
Submitted by Anonymous